


a world that's so much brighter than it seems

by Laora



Category: Subarashiki Kono Sekai | The World Ends With You
Genre: (as in Josh's past and mental state are discussed), Despite the tags this is actually a hopeful story on the whole, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Panic Attacks, get these kids some gd therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23605207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laora/pseuds/Laora
Summary: Survivors of the Reapers' Game aren't exactlycommon, but when you do manage to come back from the dead with no one the wiser, what can you do?Obviously, start a support group.
Comments: 25
Kudos: 82





	a world that's so much brighter than it seems

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FabHawk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FabHawk/gifts).



> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THEFABHAWK, WHOSE BIRTHDAY WAS ALMOST A MONTH AGO
> 
> I made yet another OC. Her name is Satsuki Kimura, and [this is what she looks like.](https://imgur.com/a/fqAeLsv) I love her and didn't get to use her as much as I wanted in this fic, but rest assured I have big plans for her in at least one more oneshot
> 
> I write Neku and Josh as autistic (Neku with a bonus panic disorder), and Rhyme as agender. None of these are the focus so I didn't feel like I should tag them, but in case you were wondering :) 
> 
> Also, Joshua is hella depressed and that kinda bled through into this fic, please read with care
> 
> Big thank you to NinthFeather and Sapphireswimming, who helped me wrangle this monster into shape!

Neku sees Noise materializing in Hachiko's square, and he sees people appearing out of nowhere all around him. Something like power and terror and untapped potential is buzzing at the back of his mind as his hands begin to shake. 

_He's back in the Game._ He doesn't remember dying, but then, he didn't last time, either, now did he? Phantom pain slashes across his palm as the timer appears, and he hears phones ring all around him with a mission text, and he feels himself freeze up even as he stares at his fellow Players. He doesn't—he doesn't have a Player Pin. He doesn't have _any_ pins, as he checks his pockets frantically—and he needs to find a partner before the Noise gets to him, but—

But he watches it consume an elderly man not ten feet from him, and Neku feels himself flinch away because surely it will come for him next—

Something bumps into his shoulder, harsh and sudden, and he can't help the choked scream that tears up his throat as he spins, one hand out, the psychs he needs far out of reach. But it's—

It's a woman, middle-aged, who steps back from him with eyebrows raised. "You okay, hon?" she asks, a little skeptical, a little worried, and he looks her up and down automatically. She'd do okay as a partner—seems a little oblivious right now, which is worrying, but her paint-splattered hands suggest she might be an artist, which is a good sign for psychs. After all, he can get her caught up to speed quickly—

"Hey, seriously," she says, and grabs for his shoulder. He jumps badly, trying to twist away, but she pulls him away from the middle of the square— _straight toward some Noise ready to rip his throat open—_

But they both pass right through the Noise like they're not in the UG at all. They haven't formed a pact yet, and he _stares_ as the woman sits him down on a bench, eyeing him critically. He rubs harshly at his right palm, his leg bouncing. 

"Kid, can you hear me?" she asks, and he gets the sense it isn't for the first time as he looks around the area again. People are pairing off quickly, and the Noise is dissipating, and _he still isn't being attacked,_ and he doesn't understand—

"Hey," she says, and snaps her fingers in front of his nose. He jumps badly again, focusing on her face briefly. "Kid, what's your name?" 

"Neku," he says automatically, and rubs harder at his hand, digging his fingernails in like he can claw the timer right off. 

"Okay, Neku. You can call me Satsuki, " she says and sits next to him, trying to keep eye contact. His gaze continues to skitter across the square. "Can you show me your hand, please? Did you hurt it?" 

"No, we've gotta—you've gotta trust me, okay? We've gotta make a pact—" 

She stiffens beside him, her hands halting from where they had been reaching for his own. "What do you mean?" she asks slowly, something different in her voice that Neku cannot parse right now. 

"It's the rules of the Game, we've gotta work in pairs or else the Noise will destroy us—" 

"Neku," she says, very gently, but when he glances in her direction she seems to have some difficulty spitting the words out. "What do you think is going on right now?" 

"We're in the Reaper's Game," he says, his patience quickly waning as he stops scratching briefly to gesture out at all the other Players, mostly paired off by now. A pair of strangers bolt by on their way to the Scramble. They're too close, and Neku flinches away, but Satsuki doesn't even blink. "It's—I'm not sure exactly how it works, but we'll be Erased if we lose—" 

Satsuki inhales deeply, and when he chances a glance back at her, her face is very pale. "Neku, I swear to you, you're in the RG," she says, and he _stares_ at her. 

"There's other Players and Noise right here!" he gestures again, sharper this time, but she only scans the square blankly before looking again toward him.

"How far out are you from your first Game?" she asks, very quietly. 

"I got out about a month ago," he allows, and it's—it's good that she knows what he's talking about, at least—"but I know what I'm talking about, okay? You need to trust me—" 

"Neku," she says again, even quieter, and he frowns at her, scratching his palm in earnest now. The timer's ticking, and the more she tries to stall, the less time they'll have—"Can you show me your hand, please?" 

He hesitates before releasing it, stopping the scratching and holding it palm up between them, but—

It's clear but for the angry red marks crisscrossing his skin. It's _clear,_ there's no timer, and he _stares_ at it as Satsuki sighs. "You're safe," she says, and Neku feels his breathing escalate. "You're still alive, yeah? You're not back in the Game." 

"But I saw—" 

"It's happened to other people, too," she says, and leans in a little closer though she keeps from touching him. "Some people are more in tune with the UG, when they get back. Or, they think they're reliving their Game when something triggers it. It's a Monday morning… I don't doubt there's a Game starting right now, but I swear to you, you're not a Player. "

His breathing only escalates as he stares at his palm. The noise of Shibuya and the Noise of the UG and the looming presence of this strange woman are overwhelming him, and he can't—"Do you have someone you can call?" she asks gently. "Someone you know would help more than me. Was your Partner reincarnated, too?" 

_Shiki,_ is his first and only thought, and he fumbles for his phone. He has unread messages, but they're from Eri, planning a shopping trip where he'll be their pack mule—Beat, asking whether he wants to swing by to play Smash later—

There isn't a mission mail, and when he hits _call_ the line connects, and his hand is shaking too badly to hold the phone to his ear so it clatters into his lap and then to the ground. Satsuki hesitates before picking it up, switching it to speakerphone and holding it between them. 

"Hey Neku, what's up?" 

It's not Eri's voice like he was half expecting. It's Shiki's new-old voice that comes out of his phone, and before he can do anything to stop it, a sob escapes his lips in his relief. 

"Neku?" she asks, her voice pitching up a bit, "What's wrong?" 

"He's having a panic attack," the woman says, when Neku isn't able to form words. "My name's Satsuki, I ran into him over by Hachiko. Could you come meet us, please?" 

Distantly, Neku can hear movement on the other end of the line. "I'll be there in ten minutes," she says. "Neku, just stay with her, okay? I'll be there soon—" 

"Yeah," he says, quiet but as loud as he can force his voice to go, and then Shiki is hanging up, and Satsuki flips his phone closed. 

They sit in silence for several seconds, Neku staring blankly at his palm as blood beads up from the worst scratches. “Hey, Neku,” Satsuki says, and he jumps though she doesn’t even appear to think about touching him. “Let’s chat until she gets here, okay?”

“About what?” he asks his palm, quietly, and she sighs. There’s blood on his hand, but he _itches_ for movement—feels like he’ll explode if he sits still. He resists scratching as best he can, and settles for playing with his fingers.

“Are you comfortable talking about your Game?” she asks with a tilt of her head, and his breath catches. 

“No,” he whispers, and she nods, in his peripheral vision.

“That’s okay. I know people who aren’t comfortable with it for _years_ after, so don’t even worry about it, all right? How about the girl you called? What’s her name?”

“Shiki,” he says, a little stronger, and Satsuki sits up straighter, clearly a little bolstered by this. “She was—she was my first Partner.”

Satsuki hesitates, and Neku could kick himself for bringing up the Game when he’s already decided he can’t handle it. But she smooths it over quickly—“What’s she like? Is she your age, or older?”

“My age,” he says. “Um, she’s quiet, and she carried around this stuffed piggy everywhere in the UG. She made him herself, she’s really good at sewing and—and all that kind of stuff. She’s been asking me to model stuff for her, clothes that she and Eri made.”

“That’s so cool!” Satsuki says, her smile broadening, and—

And somehow, talking to this woman is easier than he thought it would be. She seems to know what kinds of questions to avoid, even as she knows _way too much_ about the UG and the Game. If he were in any state to think it through, he’d be worried that she was a Reaper, or something, but.

Talking quietly to her is bringing him back from the brink of a meltdown, and he’s had way too many of those recently. At this point, he’ll take what he can get.

“Neku!”

And then Shiki is there, running toward them from the train station. Her face is flushed and terrified as she rushes forward, looking him up and down and clearly restraining herself from pulling him into a hug. "Are you okay?" 

He nods, if only to get that desperate look off her face, and Satsuki picks up—"Please don't panic, but he's able to see the UG even now that he's been reincarnated. I guess a new Game just started up, and, well…" 

She leaves it hanging, but Shiki's sudden defensive stance and terse voice make it clear she understands perfectly. "Are you a Reaper?" 

"No," Satsuki says immediately, and despite everything, Neku thinks he believes her. "I'm just someone who survived my own Game, almost fifteen years ago. I know the UG isn't what it used to be, but… I understand." 

Neku blinks. He's understood, intellectually, that other people must have won and been reincarnated at some point—but meeting one of them has never even crossed his mind. "A group of us get together sometimes," she says, when neither of them respond immediately. "Shibuya's is pretty small, but when you include the rest of the wards we've got a decent number. There's some private chat rooms online too, but most of them are in English…" 

She pulls out a scrap of paper and a pen from her purse, scribbling down a phone number and an email address before handing it to Shiki. "If you guys ever want someone else to talk to," she says. "Sometimes, getting another perspective, especially when you're so fresh, can help with recovering." 

"Okay," Shiki says, staring at the sheet with a furrowed brow. Then, she looks up to Satsuki. "Thank you for helping Neku." 

"It was no problem," she says immediately, and stands up. Neku still can't bring himself to look up at her. Now that the adrenaline crash is hitting, he finds he can't focus on much of anything. "And no pressure on reaching out, right? I just wanted to give you the option, if you think it'll help." 

She disappears into the crowds soon after, and Shiki stares after her for a moment before sitting down heavily beside Neku. When he glances over, still playing with his hands, she's staring blankly at the sheet of paper. 

"Hey," he says, a little hoarse, and she jumps, looks over. 

"Hey," she says, and tries for a wobbly smile. "How are you doing?" 

"Not great." 

She nods a little, and her gaze slides back to the paper. "You know, I didn't even think that there were other people out there. Who won." 

He doesn't say anything, his focus slipping away again. "She didn't hurt you, did she?" Shiki asks suddenly, and he blinks back into reality. Something grayscale and anachronistic and too much like Noise flits past at the edge of his vision, but Shiki doesn't seem to see it at all. He does his best to push the terror away. 

"No," he says, and she relaxes, a little. "She helped me calm down, that's all." 

"Okay," Shiki says, and draws the word out like she's thinking something through. "So, what do you think about this?" 

She waves the paper a little, and he hesitates, shrugs. "My brain isn't working too great right now," he admits, and Shiki nods. 

"It might not hurt to check it out," she says thoughtfully. "I mean, like she said. Talking with people who've had the same experience could be good for us, you know? And it seems like you trust her. If you do, then I do too." 

He shrugs again. "Our Games were weirder than normal," he says quietly. "I'm not sure how much some—some _support group_ will help." 

"It couldn't hurt, right?" Shiki asks, and he looks up at her tone. Something like hope is shining in her eyes like he thinks he's never seen before, and he knows there's only one real answer. 

.

.

.

.

* * *

.

.

.

.

Shiki sends a message in the group chat broaching the subject, and Rhyme loves the idea. Really, that just seals the deal for all of them. 

_Our situation is weird,_ they send back, _but it'd be cool to hear other views on the Game, right? Especially if there are people who won a long time ago, like Satsuki._

They're right, even though Neku is leery of going to a public meeting with a bunch of strangers. They're right, even though Beat grumps and denies it and says that he's dealing with his death perfectly fine, thanks very much. (He's not. None of them are.) 

And so Shiki texts Satsuki the next day, asking when they might be able to meet up with her group. Satsuki replies instantly, saying they're having a group meeting that Thursday and that she and Neku would be more than welcome. 

_we actually made friends with another pair of players who won,_ Shiki sends back, her thumbs hesitant as Neku watches her over his ramen. _would it be ok if they came too?_

* * *

Neku walks into the meeting hall behind Shiki and Rhyme, more than a little uncomfortable as he stares around. There's—there's more people than he's expecting, maybe twenty or thirty, and all of them are adults. It makes sense, he reminds himself. Teenagers don't die that often, and he's sure the ones that do don't often win the Game, but—

"Just give the word, Phones," Beat says in an undertone beside him. Neku looks up to see that he looks even more uncomfortable than he feels himself. "I'm game to leave if you are." 

Neku cracks a smile, and finds that he's feeling a little better with even that small, unconventional encouragement. When he looks up again, Satsuki's hurrying toward the four of them, something like a cross between cheer and sorrow on her face. 

"Hey, Neku," she says, and Beat stands up a little straighter. "Glad you guys could make it." 

"Yeah," he mumbles, and presses his crossed arms more firmly into his chest. "I'm still not, um. I don't want to talk about the Game." 

"That's okay," she says instantly, "and if you want to leave early, that's fine too. We just get together to chat—we've been doing this for about twelve years now, and a lot of us have become friends even outside of this meeting. We're just trying to make it a comfortable place, especially for newcomers, yeah?"

Here she looks to Beat and Rhyme, her frown growing incrementally larger as her gaze lingers on the latter. "These are the friends you mentioned?" 

"I'm Rhyme!" they say instantly, bouncing on their toes as they smile. "Beat's my brother, we were Partners. I think it's really cool that you've set this up, I didn't even think about how other people might have won, before." 

"We get that a lot," Satsuki says with a bit of a shaky smile. "I'm happy to do it, especially when it helps so many people. But Rhyme, I have to ask—how old are you?" 

"I'm twelve," they say, their smile growing a little impish. "Did I set a new record, or something?" 

"You sure did," Satsuki says with a heavy exhalation. " _Shit…_ there's been too many kids recently. But!" Her frown disappears quickly, just as Neku was wondering if he'd have to beat a hasty retreat. "Here, I'll introduce you all real quick and then let you go grab some cookies and punch. The alcohol's marked, _don't_ try to sneak any, we've got people manning the tables." (Neku, suddenly, gets a Disapproving Mom vibe that he's never felt before, even from his own mother.) "Now, just a sec—"

She steps up onto a small platform near them and waves her hands for attention. "Hey guys," she says loudly, and everyone obediently looks up to her. "I've mentioned to a couple of you, we've got some newcomers this week. The four of them just got out about a month ago, and they're—well, they're kids. So please help them if you can, yeah? They told me they're not all comfortable talking about the UG or their Game, but at the very least, they could all use someone to talk to who gets what they've been through."

Neku shrinks back behind Beat as the mass of strangers turns toward them. Feeling this many eyes on him is not comforting on his still-frayed nerves, and he deeply appreciates that Beat draws himself up further, trying to block him from view. But the scrutiny doesn't last long; Shiki waves, and Rhyme bounces on the balls of their feet, and after everyone offers generally welcoming noises, most of them turn around and return to their own conversations.

Shiki grabs Neku's hand with an encouraging grin. "Cookies?" she asks brightly, and Neku supposes that he can't say no to that. 

* * *

"Hey, Neku," a voice says from behind him, a little while later. Neku jumps as Beat swivels on his heel. The other two are long gone—dragged away all too willingly by a pair of young women who wanted to chat. Beat's hands keep twitching, like having Rhyme out of his sight puts him on edge. On second thought, it probably does. 

"This is Ryuji," Satsuki says, once Neku's turned around, half a cookie shoved in his mouth so he has an excuse not to talk. "I just wanted to introduce you, since you're both still able to see the UG. So if you have any questions about it, he'll be your guy." 

"It's nice to meet you," Ryuji says with a little bow, and _shit_ but the guy is tall. 

"Yeah," he mumbles around his (excellent) cookie. "Um, not really right now, though." 

"Sure," Ryuji says readily with a little grin. "Fuck, it's been five years for me, and I still hate thinking about it. But here's my cell, if you ever wanna text me." 

He gives him a scrap of paper, and Neku looks at it briefly before shoving it in his pocket. "Thanks," he mumbles, and Ryuji's grin goes a little wider before he hurries off to another group. Neku turns to Beat, then—

"Yeah, um, I think I'm done for now." 

Beat nods fiercely, his face still a bit pale. But he grows even paler when he scans the group and doesn't see Rhyme. "Yo, Rhyme!" he hollers, loud enough to be heard across the room, and a few people turn. It's a few seconds before they appear from the crowd, a little frown on their face, and Neku watches Beat visibly deflate with relief. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Me and Phones're done here," he says, and Rhyme's frown grows deeper. 

“Shiki and I are having a great time,” they say, gesturing vaguely back toward the crowd. “Those girls are really nice!”

“It’s loud in here,” Neku mumbles, shrinking back behind his crossed arms and his collar. Rhyme looks at him, then, their brows furrowed.

“Maybe you could hang out outside,” they say eventually, “but we don’t want to leave, yet.”

Beat sighs explosively. “Yell if you need anythin’,” he says, eyeing the crowd suspiciously before gesturing for Neku to follow him out.

Neku inhales deeply as soon as they’re outside. It’s a cramped alley, but it’s fresh air—and the door dampens the noise considerably. He flops back against the brick wall, closing his eyes for a second.

“Yeah, tha’s better,” Beat says with a sigh of his own. “Shit, it’s loud in there.”

“Yeah,” Neku mutters, and opens his eyes again. “Thanks for covering for me.”

“No prob,” Beat says instantly, frowning a little down at him. “I know you don’ like crowds.”

Neku nods, and hugs himself a little tighter before finally allowing his arms to fall. “Rhyme’ll be fine in there,” he says, once the silence gets a little too awkward. “No one in there’s gonna want to hurt us.”

“I know,” Beat says, a little quieter. “Jus’ makes me nervous, tha’s all.”

Neku nods again, and only continues to breathe. 

.

.

.

.

* * *

.

.

.

.

Somehow, it turns into a routine for them to go to Satsuki's monthly meet-ups.

It's been six months, now, and Neku thinks he's found comfort in the routine and the life he's built himself. Ryuji's an all right guy, despite his initial misgivings—he's a big CAT fan, too, so conversation's easy once either of them gets going about the newest release. Shiki's been talking about asking whether Eri can come along to talk shop with her new friends; Beat's gotten surprisingly chummy with an older, rather eccentric man who won back in the 50s; every time they leave the meet-up, he thinks Rhyme's eyes are just a little brighter with newfound wonder. 

This is good, he thinks. Every day, he finds himself dwelling a little less on the UG, and isn't that what he's always wanted? 

Of course, six months to the day since they were all reincarnated, as Neku's chatting with Satsuki about the merits and legality of wall tags, Joshua _fucking_ Kiryu had to choose that moment to walk through the front door. 

* * *

Somehow, he hears Josh's voice over the crowds. The Shinjuku folks are visiting today, too, and he'd felt a little overwhelmed by the numbers before Satsuki took pity on him and pulled him to the side. 

"Oh, Neku~!" 

He freezes up, his pulse crescendoing until it's all he can hear, even beyond the music playing quietly through his headphones to block out the background noise. Josh's voice cuts through all of it, just like it always did, and of _course_ he would choose this one place, this one time to show up again. Of _course_ he would, the one place Neku thought he was safe from the influence of the UG—and though he has wanted, somewhere, in the back of his mind, to see Joshua again—he is not prepared for this, and he is _terrified._

"Neku?" Satsuki asks, frowning, her hands twitching like she wants to reach for him. But then Joshua emerges from the crowd to his left, and she follows his gaze as his terrified eyes snap in that direction. 

"Hello, dear," Joshua says, what almost looks like a genuine smile on his face, and Neku takes a step back. 

Satsuki fills the space he vacated almost instantly, though, planting her feet and drawing herself up as tall as she can—she's still shorter than Neku, but he appreciates the effort as he looks around for backup. Shiki and Rhyme were on the other end of the hall, last he checked, and Beat always finds some corner to hole up in—he's on his own, then—

"Yoshiya," Satsuki says, her voice low, and Neku's gaze snaps forward again. He's _not_ alone—he has friends here, fellow survivors who understand, and—"We have _rules,_ no Reapers at the meet-ups, yeah? I'm going to need you to leave." 

"Is that you, Satsuki?" Josh asks, completely unbothered by her words though he actually sounds a bit surprised. "Goodness, it's been a while, hasn't it? I hope you've been well—" 

_"Leave,_ Yoshiya," she snaps, and his brows rise significantly. 

"Neku asked to meet with me, though—I'm a bit late, so I thought it'd be only right that I come to him, to save him the effort of finding me." 

"Kid, it's been fifteen years, but I can still see straight through your bullshit," Satsuki says through gritted teeth. "And I'm pretty sure I could still carry your scrawny ass out of here if I needed to, do _not_ test me."

Joshua _laughs._ The world flickers for a second, and then he is standing beside Neku. 

Neku does not hesitate to turn, curl his fingers together, and punch him right in his stupid, smug face. 

* * *

The Composer of Shibuya has a broken, bloody nose, and he is laughing harder than Neku has ever heard. 

Neku shakes out his knuckles, grimacing at the pain lancing through them, and scowls as he takes a step back. "Six months ago would've been _fine,"_ he says, and Joshua chokes as his laughter only continues. "But today? _Here?_ You knew exactly what you were doing." 

“Maybe,” Josh says, his smile growing a little more sly. He pokes experimentally at his nose, and something _blips_ again before he’s perfectly healed. Then, he reaches for Neku.

“Don’t touch me,” Neku all but snarls, taking a step back. Josh rolls his eyes.

“So you’d _like_ to walk around with a broken hand? Yes, that does sound very like you.”

He grabs Neku’s wrist before he can protest further, and his fingers go numb for a moment before the pain dissipates, leaving only the warmth of Joshua’s grip. Neku does not hesitate to pull his hand back toward himself, scowling all the while.

“Do you know him, Neku?” Satsuki asks, her voice tense. “We’ve _told_ the Reapers not to bother us here, and they’ve always agreed to it, but Yoshiya’s kind of a jackass like that.”

“Yeah,” Neku says, and then her words catch up to him. “Wait, do _you_ know him?”

“We were Partners,” she says with a frown in Joshua’s direction. “And with the way he talked about the RG, I figured I’d never see him here again.”

Joshua laughs again, sharp. “Well, I needed to make an exception for Neku. You see—“

“I can see perfectly well,” Satsuki cuts him off, “and I can see that he doesn’t want anything to do with you. _Get out, now.”_

Joshua’s smile flattens in an instant, and he turns his back to them. “I’ll be at WildKat, then,” he says, and then he is gone.

Neku stares after him for several seconds, trying to process. “You okay, hon?” Satsuki asks quietly, taking a small step forward.

“Yeah,” he says, and shakes his head to clear it, and reaches absentmindedly to turn his music up a couple clicks. “Um, it’s—it’s complicated. With Josh.”

“He’s going by Josh now?” she asks skeptically, and Neku shrugs. “Well, I guess it’s been fifteen years since I’ve seen him. Did he threaten you during your Game?”

Neku laughs at that, a little hysterical. “You could say that,” he says, one hand reaching to rub down his face, and Satsuki’s frown grows deeper.

“I should get the others,” he says, distantly, already casting around for Shiki. Satsuki steps back into his line of sight.

“Neku, you’re not _following him,_ are you?”

“Yeah,” he says, stepping a little hesitantly back toward the crowds. 

“Neku,” she says, and this time, she grabs his shoulder. It’s light and brief, but he jumps anyway—he was so sure she understood that he didn’t like being touched. How dare she—

But her face has grown grave and serious in a way he has never seen there. “Yoshiya—Josh—he’s dangerous. He told me things, when we were Partners. He wasn’t well when he was freshly dead, and it doesn’t seem like he’s improved since then—I don’t want you meeting him alone, or even with your friends.”

“Then come with us,” he says instantly, though he’s not entirely sure why. “I’m going to WildKat. It’s been six months, and he owes me answers.”

“That boy _killed himself_ so he could join the UG,” Satsuki says, her voice low.

“He killed me,” Neku says, and Satsuki makes a small, pained noise in her throat, _“twice._ And then he brought me back to life. If nothing else, I want to punch him again, only better this time.”

Satsuki grits her teeth. “Don’t you dare leave without me,” she says, and heads toward the door to wait.

“Okay, _Mom,”_ Neku says under his breath, but there’s a smile growing on his lips as he seeks out his friends.

* * *

It’s a short walk over to WildKat, and to his surprise, neither Shiki nor Beat remember Joshua. But Rhyme seems off-put by him, which is more than enough to put them both on edge.

Mr. Hanekoma is behind the counter as always, a cup of coffee for himself set aside as he busies himself at the stove. “You actually decided to show up!” Joshua says from his seat at the end of the bar. Rhyme flinches back, one hand grasping for Beat’s, and that instantly sets the tone for the room.

“I need you to answer a few questions,” Neku says, stepping forward when none of the others seem willing to do so. “Starting with, what the _fuck—“_

“Language,” Hanekoma and Satsuki scold at the same time, automatically, and it’s quiet for a few seconds longer before they both start laughing.

“Satsuki Kimura, yeah?” Hanekoma asks, and she tilts her head.

“That’s me,” she says, “but I’m pretty sure I don’t know you.”

“Ah, Josh and I go way back,” Hanekoma says easily. “He’s mentioned you a couple times.”

“I’m sure you have a _lovely_ impression of me, then,” she says, and sits deliberately in the seat beside Josh. She’s putting herself between him and the rest of them—and Neku frowns at her as he sits down at the next seat over.

“Oh, don’t worry about that!” Hanekoma says with a sly grin. “I’m even better at filtering his bullshit than you are, believe it or not. I have it on good information that you’re the only reason he survived your Game, way back when.”

Josh’s face contorts momentarily, which Neku interprets to mean that this statement is entirely true. “How’ve you kids been?” Hanekoma asks, turning instead to the four of them as the others sit down. “Haven’t seen you in ‘bout six months…”

“We’re alive,” Shiki says slowly. “Um, we have some questions about that.”

“‘Course, Shiki,” Hanekoma says off-hand, and flicks his gaze toward Joshua. “J, you answering them or should I?”

Joshua’s lips purse. “The Composer gave all of you the gift of reincarnation,” he says eventually, to the menu behind Hanekoma. “I would suggest you don’t look too closely into that decision.”

“I was _Erased,”_ Rhyme says, sharp, and Neku jumps, turning to look down the bar at them. “I was _Noise,_ and now I’m back here, and I don’t know who you are, but I would like some answers, please.”

“The Composer does what they want,” Joshua tells the menu airily, and Neku slams a fist on the bar.

“That’s funny,” he says, “because I have this vivid memory of the Composer putting a bullet through my heart, and then dumping me back into the RG with _no explanation.”_

Shiki makes a sort of choked noise, beside him, but his gaze is locked on Joshua, looking for some sort of reaction. _Any_ reaction, but Joshua’s face has gone strangely blank.

“You won,” Joshua says eventually.

“I forfeited _everything_ —“

“And in doing so, you won,” Josh says, louder, and then he looks up to meet Neku’s eyes. The feeling—always uncomfortable—is unbearable here, but he does his best, because—because this is _important,_ this is—“You proved to the Composer that there was hope left for Shibuya. You won the Long Game without even entering it. Isn’t that _good enough_ for you?”

His mood and tone are so drastically different from barely fifteen minutes earlier that Neku is honestly thrown. Josh was always flighty during the Game, prone to moods and tempers, but this—

“Josh,” Satsuki says suddenly, her voice carrying an edge to it. “When did you become the Composer?”

No one says anything for several seconds. Hanekoma looks somewhere between surprised and gratified; Joshua doesn’t appear to react at all. Then—“About six months after our Game,” he says eventually, still staring at the wall, and Satsuki swears.

“You got anything stronger back there?” she asks Hanekoma harshly, and he grins at her, producing a bottle of whiskey from mid-air. “Kid—“

“I’m not a _kid,_ ” Joshua snaps, his face contorting as he finally looks at her. “I’m certainly not _your_ kid. I could Erase you in an instant, if I wanted to—don’t push your luck, Satsuki.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she says, and accepts a glass of something that Neku can smell even from feet away. “I’ll just haunt your ass until you bring me back, don’t think I won’t.”

“She’s right, you know,” Hanekoma chimes in as he retrieves a plate of pancakes, slapping it down in front of Josh. “Now, eat up, boss.”

“Um,” Shiki says, loud and high-pitched, “I had some questions before, but now I have _several_ questions. Can we start over, please?”

"Sure," Hanekoma says easily, leaning against the bar to look back at her. "What did you wanna know?" 

"You knew who I am," she says, frowning a little. "We met _once,_ during the Game, and I didn't look like myself back then." 

"It's obvious," he says easily, his brows rising. "Your Vibe's just the same. I knew who you were the second you walked through that door." 

She frowns at him, and Neku's just about as confused as she is. "You a Reaper, too?" Satsuki butts in, a little harsh, and Hanekoma laughs at her. 

"Don't be ridiculous." 

The questions continue, but as Neku looks over past Satsuki, he sees Josh brooding at the end of the bar. He hasn't touched his pancakes, and he hasn't said a word to any of them, even though Hanekoma is taking every opportunity to prod at him as he talks to the others. 

"Yeah, an' who's the prissy kid?" Beat asks with a frown, leaning around Shiki to stare at him as well. "He ain't the Composer—" 

"Yes, he is," Neku says automatically, and watches Joshua's gaze flicker to him for a moment. "Beat, you met him during my second week. You _kicked his ass._ He was my Partner." 

Beat makes an incredulous noise even though Neku doesn't turn around. "You said your Partner got Erased!" 

"He lied to me," Neku says, and Joshua twitches. "Josh, if you'd like to defend yourself, please, feel free." 

He grimaces and says nothing. "An' I don't remember your Partner lookin' like that," Beat continues, but when Neku finally turns, his face is screwed up in confusion. "Shit, what _did_ they look like?" 

"Josh likes to mess with people's memories," Neku says, maybe a little nastier than is truly necessary. Satsuki makes a soft noise from behind him. "Not surprised you forgot." 

"You said Shiki was your Partner," Satsuki says quietly, and Neku turns around again to face her. 

"Yeah, she was," he says, an edge growing to his voice as he vocalizes the trauma he's been trying so hard to avoid. "Then, the Conductor refused to reincarnate me, so I played again with Josh as a Partner. Then that Game got thrown out since he said I _cheated,_ so I got to play _again_ with Beat." 

Satsuki's eyes flicker down the bar, sizing up the rest of them. Clearly, she does not like what she sees. "Another drink, Sanae," she says, holding out her empty glass. "Now, kid, I'm gonna have you run that by me _one more time."_

* * *

"Neku." 

He turns on his way out of WildKat to see Joshua staring at him, a deep frown on his face. "I'll see you guys later," he says over his shoulder to the rest of them, and he receives four frowns but no arguments. After the conversations they just had, he thinks all of them are probably ready to go home and crash. 

"What is it?" he asks, once the door closes behind him. He loiters there, hesitant to step any closer even with Mr. Hanekoma behind the bar. He's had more than enough nightmares of the two of them, alone, a smoking gun and a twisted smile—

"I need to ask," Josh says, his voice very quiet. "Why didn't you shoot me?" 

That’s—well, that’s obvious, and he blinks at Josh as Mr. Hanekoma’s eyes narrow. “Because you were my Partner,” he says, “and I trusted you. Still do, you know.”

_“Why?”_

Neku blinks again, and then Joshua is in his personal space. Something is buzzing at the back of his mind, and he tries to take a step back and away; Josh follows. His face is contorted in a way Neku’s never seen before, and his back bumps against the front windows as Joshua’s hands begin to shake.

“J,” Hanekoma says loudly, his frown deepening, but they both ignore him.

“You _wanted_ me to change, yeah?” Neku asks, harsh, trying not to cower back into the window even as a pounding headache starts to grow behind his eyes. “Wasn’t that the whole point of your game with Shades? You wanted Shibuya to get better so you wouldn’t have to Erase it!”

Josh is breathing heavily, his gaze skittering around just like Neku’s own. “No,” he breathes. “No, that isn’t what I wanted at all.”

“Then what _did_ you want?” Neku demands, and raises one hand to his head. His vision is swimming, and something like music is pulsing through his skull though his headphones are around his neck.

“Boss,” Hanekoma says, louder still, and then he’s beside them, pulling Joshua by the shoulder. “You’re overwhelming him.”

Joshua allows himself to be led a few steps away, and the music fades away—the headache subsides, leaving a dull ache shot through his skull like a bullet wound. “What the hell?” he mutters, grasping at his hair as he catches his breath.

“The Composer’s Vibe is higher than yours,” Hanekoma says, as if that explains anything at all. “Without a Player Pin, you’re more susceptible—“

“That’s not the important thing here,” Neku cuts him off, and when he looks up both of them are staring at him. “What the _hell,_ Josh? Are you saying you _wanted_ to Erase Shibuya?”

“It would have been better than carrying on like we were,” Joshua says, and Neku sucks a breath in through his teeth. “I was ready to wash my hands of it.”

“What, so you _wanted_ me to kill you?” Neku demands, and Joshua huffs, doesn’t answer.

“No,” Neku snaps, stepping forward even as his headache increases exponentially. He yanks Josh out of Hanekoma’s grip, holding him by the collar and pulling him within inches of his own nose. _“No,_ you were _not_ going to use me for some—some _suicide mission_ just because _you_ didn’t feel like dealing with your own _shit_ anymore—“

He cuts himself off, something choking his words, and then he shakes Josh a little more for good measure. “The idea was for you to take my seat,” Joshua says, very quietly, and Neku snarls. “Failing that, using a second bullet for myself would have done the job nicely. Shibuya would collapse without a Composer to guide it.”

“No,” Neku says again, and Hanekoma pulls Joshua away again as he lets go to grasp at his head again. “No, you can’t just—“

“You proved me wrong, Neku,” Joshua says, and when he looks up again there’s a twisted sort of smile on his face. “I was so sure that Megumi’s plan would fail, and that _you_ would be a perfect example of it. When I saw you, in Udagawa, you were the type of person who wouldn’t hesitate to shoot me to save your own skin.”

“Yeah, well, three weeks of hell will change a guy,” Neku snaps, and Joshua shakes his head.

“Even more than that—you were the _only_ person who prioritized my continued existence over saving Shibuya.”

Neku _stares._ His gaze flickers to Hanekoma as he turns away, something indescribable passing over his face. “Of course I did,” he chokes out after a few seconds, “you were my _Partner—“_

“And I did everything I could to make you _despise_ me,” Joshua says, and that wrong wrong _wrong_ smile only grows across his face. “I killed you, I Erased your friends, I lied _constantly,_ I refused to cooperate when we Played together. And yet, you…”

He trails off, running a hand through his hair and looking away. “It was a novel experience for me,” he finishes, eventually, and sighs. “You asked why I reincarnated you all? That’s my answer. You _impressed_ me, Neku.”

He grits his teeth, and clenches his fists, and finds that this isn’t the answer he wanted at all. “Fuck you,” he says, his voice low, and Joshua laughs. It’s a hollow and terrifying sound.

“I think it’s time for you to head home, Phones,” Hanekoma says carefully, looking at him from over his sunglasses. “I’ll clean stuff up over here, yeah?”

It’s clear it’s not a suggestion, and Neku scowls at them both. He recognizes a losing fight when he sees it. “I’m not done with you,” he says to Joshua, who only laughs again.

When he leaves and looks back in through the window, the cafe is barren and empty.

.

.

.

.

* * *

.

.

.

.

"This is ridiculous," Joshua says, a month later.

Neku sighs, and glances at the closed door to the group's meeting space. "You said I impressed you. Do you really think I'm the only interesting human in all of Shibuya?" 

Josh's expression falls into a leer, and Neku rolls his eyes. "Look, just...give them a chance," he says. "I think they'll surprise you. You like Satsuki all right, don’t you?"

“Satsuki aggressively attempted to adopt me,” Joshua says with a sigh that actually sounds frustrated, and Neku tries and fails to cover a snort with one hand.

“She’s already adopted all of us,” he says, and Joshua’s lips purse. “I’m pretty sure it’s a lost cause.”

“She made it perfectly clear I’m not welcome,” he points out. “Last month, don’t you remember?”

“Sure, but this time, I’m inviting you. I’m pretty sure she won’t turn _me_ away, will she?”

Before Joshua can argue further, Neku adjusts his headphones more closely over his ears, mentally prepares for the barrage of noise, and pushes the door wide open.

* * *

Shiki, especially, is unhappy that Joshua’s shown up. “He killed you!” she hisses, as soon as she manages to get him away for more than two seconds.

“Sure,” he agrees, and Shiki puffs herself up, “but then he brought us back. And, honestly, I’m pretty sure coming here will be good for him. He’s...not doing well.”

“That shouldn’t be your problem, Neku,” she says with a frown. “He—“

“He was my Partner, whatever else happened,” he says simply. “I’m worried about him. He—he’s lost track of what used to keep him going, I think. I’m hoping that he’ll start remembering it, when he sees what everyone here’s done. Mr. H says the UG runs on Imagination, right? Well, I think we’ve got plenty of it in this group.”

Satsuki’s off to the side, talking to Joshua and Ryuji with a frown. Beat and Rhyme are loitering with an uncharacteristically unsure Eri by the door, waiting for Shiki to return. “Eri’s gonna explode if you leave her waiting,” he points out, and Shiki laughs, a little.

“She really does want to meet the others, huh? Just—Neku, please don’t do anything stupid, okay?”

“I’m protecting _all_ my Partners,” Neku says staunchly, and Shiki sighs. 

“I don’t care who he is—if he hurts you again, I’ll take him down myself, just watch.”

“I’ll count on it,” he says with a grin, and then Shiki’s walking back toward Eri, a genuine smile growing on her face.

“All right,” Neku mutters, fiddling with his hair for a second before turning toward the other group. “Let’s do this.”

He takes a deep breath, and walks with a straight back toward Satsuki and Joshua.

* * *

Honestly, it’s gone over better than he was expecting.

Ryuji seems able to tell that there’s something _off_ about him, but whatever worry he had seems to dissipate when Neku walks up. “He’s saying he was your _other_ Partner?” he asks, still, one brow raised as he sizes up the two of them. “You played more than once?”

“Played three times,” he says, and his mouth twitches downward. Still, after all this time, he hates thinking about it. But the panic that was always so close to the surface, before, has sunk deeper as time went on. “Josh was number two, and by far the most annoying.”

 _“Fuck,”_ Ryuji says, eloquently. “Man, whoever made _that decision—_ I ever meet them, I’ll punch their face in for you. That’s _bullshit,_ especially for a kid like you.”

Joshua’s lips twitch, like he’s trying to hide a smile. “Oh, I’ve done some punching already,” Neku says. “Don’t worry about me. And I’ve been told that I will _not_ be allowed into the Reaper’s Game again, since I kept breaking the rules. So it’s in everyone’s best interests to keep me alive.”

Ryuji laughs outright at that, and even Joshua cracks what might be a true smile. “Good for you,” Ryuji says, and almost reaches to ruffle his hair before he catches himself. “So, I’ve gotta know, which of you was the psych wiz? Neku _claims_ he could use practically any pin you threw at him, but I find that _real_ hard to believe—“

The conversation is easier than Neku was expecting. Ryuji’s easy to talk to— _especially_ when Joshua starts dropping hints that he knows CAT, at which point any conversation about the Game is thrown entirely out the window. Satsuki mostly stands by and listens, though there’s something growing across her face that Neku can’t quite pinpoint as the minutes pass. “Hey, kid,” she says to Neku, once it’s clear Joshua’s doing his best to get Ryuji riled up. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”

“Sure,” he says easily, though he hesitates as she steps away, toward an unoccupied corner of the hall. “What’s up?”

“I think you were right about Joshua,” she says, though it’s with a frown. “And I think it was a good call, bringing him here. He looks…”

She trails off, looking for the right word, and Neku understands. He doesn’t want to say Josh looks _happy,_ but he looks—less desolate, surrounded by a room of people who survived his Game. He looks more at home. “He looks better,” he finishes for her after another moment, and she nods slowly. 

“Have you forgiven him, then?” she asks, and he shakes his head.

“I don’t think I can forgive him for what he did. _But,_ ” he says, when she opens her mouth to interject, “I wouldn’t be the person I am now if I hadn’t joined the Game. I trust him just as much as I do the others, and I consider him my friend.”

Satsuki looks at him, long and hard, before she seems to come to some sort of conclusion. “Everyone changes, because of the Game,” she says eventually. “I’m glad it was a positive change for you. And I’m glad Joshua has found someone that he can rely on.”

* * *

It’s nearing the end of their meet-up, and Satsuki has enlisted several people to help her set out the customary ring of folding chairs.

Neku carries two over, sighs as he watches Beat grab six, and steals a glance over at Joshua. He’s standing off to the side, his arms crossed protectively across his chest, and he’s quiet as always as he watches the rest of the group.

When Neku sets down his chairs and gestures for Josh to join him, he receives a long, hard look in return before his friend walks over.

The group does this every month—it’s a catharsis, of sorts, allowing everyone to let out whatever’s on their mind, whatever they can’t tell anyone else because no one would ever believe them. Satsuki’s encouraged them all to bring something to show off, too—she’s brought newly-completed art pieces before, and Ryuji’s brought his cello to show off some new trick he learned, and others bring art, stories, dance, music, whatever it is they love, whatever it is they specialize in.

As it turns out, survivors of the Reaper’s Game tend to be creative souls. Neku grips the backpack holding his sketchbook and charcoals, and feels nervous for the first time since he walked in today.

“Some of you have already noticed,” Satsuki opens with, once everyone is situated, “we have a couple of visitors today. Eri and Joshua aren’t, strictly speaking, survivors of the Game. But they’re important to Shiki and Neku, so they asked if they could come along.”

Eri blushes from her seat beside Shiki, and waves with the hand that’s not holding her friend’s. Joshua looks around the group with a level gaze, making no greeting of his own. “For the occasion, I was hoping Neku would start us off today,” Satsuki continues. “Only if you’re comfortable, of course.”

Neku hesitates, his heart jumping into his throat. Satsuki had texted him last week, asking if he would be willing to do this, and after some deliberation he had agreed. He and the others haven’t spoken up during a round-table yet, too uncomfortable with the UG to speak with strangers about it. But Joshua shifts, beside him, and so he swallows, and takes a deep breath.

“Um, I want to give you guys some personal context,” he starts with. “Before I died and met Joshua and the others, I was...I wasn’t in a good place. I was an ass, basically, who didn’t care about anyone but myself.” He swallows. “And it definitely wasn’t the best way to fix it, but the Game forced me to learn that other people mattered, too, and I wouldn’t go anywhere myself without trusting others. So I wanted to say thank you to my friends for helping me expand my world.”

It’s a script, something he prepared, and he’s scared that it comes off that way as he looks around the room. But he only gets encouraging nods or smiles from these people who are slowly becoming his second family, and something in his chest eases.

“I asked Josh here because we’re the same,” he continues, and Joshua twitches in his peripheral vision. “He’s—he’s not doing well, either. And I was hoping that meeting you all would help, and I think it did. So, I wanted to thank you guys too, even if I don’t know you that well yet. And—“ Here, he fumbles with his backpack for a moment, pulling out his sketchbook—“I wanted to show you guys the art I’ve been working on, if that’s okay.”

He flips open the sketchbook to the page he marked and hands it to Joshua to pass around the room. Showing his art—his immature, amateur art—to a room of thirty people is terrifying, but Shiki had encouraged him, and Satsuki had gasped when he showed her, earlier.

He watches Joshua’s grip convulse as he looks down at the paper, and watches his eyes widen as he takes it in.

It gets passed around the room as the catharsis continues. Shiki talks about how the thought of Eri was what got her through her Game (“even when my Partner was being a jackass—and it’s okay, I can say it, because he said it first!”) and then she pulls out a hand-stitched rabbit and hands it to Ryuji, asking him to give it to his daughter.

The circle goes around slowly. Neku gets his sketchbook back about halfway through, and he sees even complete strangers eyeing him appraisingly, impressed, wondering what else he has to offer.

It’s a good feeling, he thinks, having validation from all these people who understand him better than anyone else in the city. But it’s a better feeling to watch Joshua’s eyes light up when an old woman pulls out a flute and plays them a haunting melody; when a young man gushes about his new child with love in his eyes; when Rhyme tells them all how they’re getting into theater at school, and that it might be something that finally sticks. 

It’s better yet when Joshua notices Neku holding his sketchbook again, and unceremoniously yanks it from his hands, flipping it open so he can look at his art more closely.

Joshua _smiles_ as he flips slowly through the pages, as if he’s savoring every line. Neku thinks for the first time since the Game that they might, honestly, turn out all right after all.

**Author's Note:**

> End notes: yes I know the timelines don’t match up, like, at all, but imagine Ryuji as a 35-year-old Ryuji Sakamoto ok thank you for your time

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [the faint colors of our future](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24513295) by [NinthFeather](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NinthFeather/pseuds/NinthFeather)
  * [Winner (TWEWYTOBER Prompt 28)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27302833) by [MagicalNerdWarrior](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalNerdWarrior/pseuds/MagicalNerdWarrior)




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